Advice and resources : Anger and aggressive behaviour

Overview

Aggressive behaviour is when a child or young person reacts in an unfriendly way. It can be with words (verbal) or with actions (physical).

Verbal aggression includes:

• shouting and screaming
• insults
• name-calling
• threats

Physical aggression includes:

• hitting
• throwing things
• breaking things
• using objects to threaten harm

The behaviour may be upsetting to both you and your child and it might be hard to support them at home or in school.

While some anger and aggression is normal, it’s important to ask for help if you’re worried.

Why is my child being aggressive?

Children may be aggressive because they:

• feel scared or anxious
• find it hard to say how they feel
• want to get their own way
• are going through puberty
• have autism, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), or sensory difficulties and feel overwhelmed or out of control

How you can help

• Look for patterns: does it happen at certain times or places?
• Talk to the school and share what helps.
• Use praise and rewards for good behaviour.
• Keep rules the same for everyone.
• Stay calm — your calm helps them calm down.

Positive relationships

Keep a positive relationship with your child. This helps them behave better.

It’s easy to react negatively when there is regular aggression or lots of arguing. This can back up the aggressive behaviour rather than reduce it.

Changing the way you respond and focusing on the positive will help your relationship and their self-esteem.

Praise

Praising your child as soon as you see them doing something positive helps them understand the behaviours you want to see.

Examples of praise include:

• "Well done for sharing your toys."
• "Thank you for using your words."
• "I like how you waited your turn."
• "Thank you for tidying that away."

Over time, this can lead to more positive behaviour and reduced negative behaviour.

Rewards

Introducing reward charts can be helpful as it makes it clean what are good behaviours and helps celebrate success.

Reward charts are usually more successful when they don’t include daily boxes. Instead, use pictures that your child can place stickers or ticks on. This removes the chance of your child becoming sad when they don’t gain stickers one day.

Make sure your child is clear on what they need to do to earn the stickers. Agree together how many stickers they need to collect before earning a reward. The reward could be something like a film night, having a friend round for tea, or choosing what your family has for dinner.

Be consistent

Make sure all carers follow the same rules. Praise the good things you want to see.

Young people feel safe when they understand what is expected of them. They will still try to push against these, but knowing that your response is always the same will help.

Decide which small things to ignore ('choose your battles’). Children will often misbehave to get attention. If you ignore these behaviours, they should learn that they only get attention for positive behaviour.

Stay calm

Looking after your own emotional health is very important.

If you feel more relaxed, you’ll be able to respond in a calm way that can reduce your child’s aggressive behaviour.

When to ask for help

Get help if your child might hurt themselves or others, or if aggression happens often and you cannot manage it. Speak to their teacher or GP.

Self-help and other support

You may find these books useful:

• How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
• The Incredible Years by Carolyn Webster-Stratton
• The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Ross W. Greene